Being john william is a really, really tough undertaking. Okay, that's a complete lie. I am, in fact, kind of amazing. I actually feel really sorry for anyone reading this because I know that you're not I. What is that like? No. Don't tell me. I don't want to live in that damned universe.
The dumber among you are probably thinking to yourselves, "What makes you so great, mister john william?"
The answer is Science.
Using my utterly uncanny cognitive abilities, I've been able to determine just how great, evolutionarily speaking, I am. Did you know that North Koreans teach that all along the eons of evolution there was the Korean ancestral line? Like, that amoeba? There was an ordinary amoeba and then there was the superior Korean amoeba. That fish with legs? Well, there was the normal fish with legs and then there was the superior-in-every-way Korean fish with legs. The Koreans are actually on the right track, except that where they think there were superior Korean versions of proto-humans, it was actually superior john william versions.
But enough of that hogwash! Let's get to what you paid for, a bullet list!
- john william never gets hung over. Ever. Don't ask me to explain it; I don't want to look a gift horse in its dirty, dirty mouth. All I know is I've never had one. If you're thinking I just haven't drank enough, let me tell you about this past Saturday night: Six or seven pints of beer. A martini. An old fashioned. A manhattan. A straight bourbon on the rocks. All I had for dinner during that span was some 3 bean soup and a salad. I woke up Sunday without so much as a headache. It's completely insane, I realize this.
- john william is one tall drink o' water, but not freakishly so. Yes, sir. 6'2" was identified as the perfect height in a joint study by Albert Einstein and Robert Oppenheimer. Any less is some meager semblance of masculinity and any more was determined to be pure fruitball-ism! This trait helps you attract females because of their chronic desire to reach for things out of their wingspan. Yes, I can get that chafing-dish for you, but don't think it means I'm gonna marry ya!
- john william falls asleep, and wakes up, with ease. I also only need an average of six hours of sleep a night. I don't even set an alarm clock. I figure this was an important trait in the lives of pre-john williams. Inveterate enemies of the john william line waged their unholy, eternal crusade against us. Jealous of our gifts, they tried to wipe us from the face of the Earth. But we were crafty. Every time they came creeping upon us in the still of night, we were awake and ready with our spear/sword/catapult. The john william line is without fear or blame.
- john william has impeccable taste concerning, well, everything! Want to know what you should listen to while reading what you should be reading while waiting for carry out from the restaurant you should be patronizing? john william knows, but he only gives this information away to friends. The rest of you are going to have to pay up to 50 dollars for each suggestion.
- john william is a really good kisser. The secret ingredients are my full lips and my penchant for pulling hair. Scientists have found that good kissing was helpful in past eras where making out was often an exchangeable currency. JFK's most foolish act was taking us off the gold standard and then not putting us on the smooch standard. Way to go, Kennedy!
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