So the other night, while enjoying a delicious Mt. Rainier at my favored bar, I was reminded of a thought that had been slumming in the depths of my consciousness for some time. I hate how hugs--the namby pamby, egalitarian, wimpy, and all together impersonal collision of right shoulder to right shoulder--have become the end all, be all way for a man to greet everyone, from the saint who birthed him to that dude he's met a few times; but only if said dude goes in for it first.
I don't want to give the impression that all hugs are worthless and awful. A true hug, an actual embrace, is a thing to be adored. It is not, however, a thing that's appropriate for every greeting we make in typical day. And it's certainly not a way for an American President to greet a fellow world leader or, well, anyone. Nor, I might add, is bowing to the despotic ruler of a third world, morally backwards country.
You see, gentle friends, the better way is the handshake. For, like, eons, across this very universe, the proper and gentlemanly way for a man to to greet another man, be he acquaintance, cherished friend, or coworker, was the humble, sensible handshake. Thankfully, we haven't completely given in to this peculiar mental derangement and therefore don't greet our employers with bear hugs and beard burns. The handshake meant we are meeting as equals. And I'm not going to try to kill you. At least not for another few minutes. I mean, you give me the dead fish then I'll know you're a pussy and I'll have to kill you.
How did the handshake become undone in favor of hugging? Like most things that are utterly imbecilic in modern American life, we may thank our parents: the baby boomers. You see, the handshake, gosh darn it, just wasn't personal enough for them. It meant business and business was some gross, nasty thing those dirty, old, racist republicans spent their time obsessed with. No, sir. A handshake was no way for me to greet the dude who got me SO baked that one time on Dog Hill or that other dude that did absinthe with me and we ran naked along the river. A hug was really the only way to express how I truly felt about my comrades; we who fight the power and strive against stuff and junk. Truely, only a hug could adequately express the space between us.
Barf.
This decision by our forebears has had two effects. The aforementioned over-application and subsequent devaluing of the hug or, conversely, the complete absence of tactile interaction among males. In the absence of handshakes, most men are reduced to "s'ups" and mockish hand gesticulations that in earlier days would have befit only the neutered. How far our descent but how facile our restoration! All it takes is the simple commitment to not act like wimps who believe that hugs have the magical power to heal baby seals of their acute brain traumas.
Next time you greet another man that you have some semblance of affection for, do your future sons a favor and give the lug a damn firm handshake.
